Learn to Live in the Tragic Gap

29 July 2026

2022-11-21

Wisdom / reading recommendations from my father:

Me: What was your book about ~Living in the Gap? Engaging in the pains of the world even though it's uncomfortable to do so?

Dad: In "A Hidden Wholeness," Quaker author Parker Palmer writes about "living in the tragic gap--a gap between the way things are and the way we know they might be. It is a gap that never has been and never will be closed. If we want to live nonviolent lives, we must learn to stand in the tragic gap, faithfully holding the tension between reality and possibility in hopes of being opened to a third way."

... In The Promise of Paradox he writes, "If we are willing actively to hang in there-holding the unresolved tension between reality and possibility and inviting something new into being- we have the chance to participate in the evolution of a better reality." He writes about a "third way" between corrosive cynicism and irrelevant idealism-a way that goes deeper than the intellect, embracing the promise of paradox. I find his thoughts increasingly helpful as I try to embrace both idealism and realism-an ongoing tension that moves me beyond optimism, yet allows for hope. 🤩😳🥴

#Quaker #author #ParkerPalmer

2026-07-29

Some reflections from your Dear Ole Dad following yesterday’s phone conversation. :)

Hi, Jay.

Your call yesterday about how to “stand in the tragic gap” between the world’s great need and one’s personal capacities came on a day of fascinating confluences.

I began the day hosting our weekly session of Coffee Mates: nine guys who meet on Zoom from 7-8:30 each Tuesday morning. After our usual “How are things in your life?” check-in, I mentioned a remark by author Saul Bellow that I’d encountered the day before: “Seek the depths or else.”

This sparked a lively conversation. What about the counter sentiment, “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise?” Is the uncertainty of seeking deeper meaning really worth the price of relinquishing cherished ideas? What is the “or else” the author references when one lives a shallow life?

After the session, Bud Perrin did some research and sent me the following:

The phrase "seek the depths or else" is a dramatic warning meaning you must actively search for profound truth, self-awareness, or spiritual understanding, or face severe negative consequences. It combines two core ideas:

Seek the Depths
Deep exploration: Looking past surface-level facts, casual habits, or easy answers to find the real truth.
Inner or spiritual growth: Working hard to understand your own soul, core values, or a higher power instead of living a shallow life.
Or Else
The warning: An ultimatum implying that staying on the surface leads to failure, ignorance, emptiness, or a crisis

I don’t totally agree with Socrates’ dictum that “The unexamined life is not worth living,” but I do believe that the examined life is more rewarding. (I’m not so sure about the “over examined life, a tendency that sometimes befalls me!) :)

I shared with my mates that I have a default mechanism of “right thinking” which I’m trying to ameliorate, but still kicks in during unguarded moments—the childish notion that the way I view the world is THE RIGHT way. Your Mom quips that when she married Mr. Right she had little idea how right I always thought I was! As I’ve grown much more wizened I’ve also become somewhat wiser, accepting the truism that “The more I know, the more I know I don’t know.” To be humble, I’ve learned, is to be teachable, the opposite of know-it-all. The discomfort of not having all the answers has been offset by the relief of simply saying, “I don’t know.”

All these morning ruminations were in the background when I received your call about your trip to Costco, and delivering food to Frank, a total stranger. By coincidence Sharon and I had just had a similar request, providing a Nebraska couple with two nights motel accommodations, lunch, and chauffeuring 120 miles to Falls City.

My feelings sound like they may somewhat parallel your own: quite glad we helped out, but realizing there is a much greater unmet need—a need that we may be called upon for further help. In our case, the following day we received a request from the Nebraska couple for additional housing, and $120 to to recover an impounded vehicle. We declined to help further, feeling a mixture of guilt and “We’ve done enough.” Ambivalence.

I’m finding that I increasingly experience “dialectic tension” as I wend my way through life: “the interplay of opposing forces or desires.” In a nod to my Quaker brother, Parker Palmer, I’ve modified his “learn to live in the tragic gap” to say instead “learn to live in the tragic/comic gap”—a gap so wide that it’s wryly laughable.

Truth be told, if we’re alive we’re all culpable at some level in the world’s woes. This is particularly difficult to acknowledge if one has the status of white male privilege in US society. Rather than just feeling guilty, though, I’m trying to find how best to live out a stance of “blessed to be a blessing.”

I struggle with the realization that “The ocean’s so vast, and my boat so small.” But I refuse to let the awareness that I can’t do everything overcome my effort to do something, be it seemingly insignificant. And maybe there’s no such thing as “a small act of kindness.” Maybe any such acts are huge, for the Franks, for Steves, Justins, and Tinas of our world.

I sometimes wish that I could impart to you, son, words of wisdom that would allay the angst of becoming more fully human. I can’t impart what I haven’t received, yet I am comforted by the inscription you gifted me years ago:

To create order from chaos, and joy from despair — these are the imperatives of humanity. And while none can claim perfection those that struggle onward will end their days weary — and triumphant. Onward, my friend.

Love always,

Dad

P.S. Often cited in AA meetings:
“The truth shall make you free. But first it will make you miserable!” 🤪

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